Too late now.

I realize in my half drunken stupor that I am a control freak.

I am a temperamental, foolish girl full of rage.

In order to be happy sometimes, I need to be fully in control and in those moments I am wrong.

Aarron, My boyfriend, has this friend. Her name is Stephanie (he, so fondly, refers to her as Steph.) See, Aarron and I got together about 3 months ago. So, a short 4 months ago, he was completely hung up over this girl and some say that he was "head over heels for that girl". Life's a bitch ain't it. He swears up and down that there are no feelings for her and that I am his one and only and that he likes me too much to be disloyal. Okay, I'll take that. But in the back of my head, I'm thinking "uhm, all right, so if you didn't "like" me so much, you would think about being disloyal.?" Maybe this is because I'm a girl and lets face it, girls are dramatic and they tend to over exaggerate almost everything. But, maybe theres a reason for my insanity. Do you think so because I'm just not sure. "She is just a friend. There are no feelings. She is my ex, she treated me like shit. She's out. You're in and staying." I guess I just wish he was better with his words. He gets invited to her parties and he goes. The last one he went to, I didn't even know he had a party to go to until 12 hours before said party. I'm venting. This is strictly a venting post.

How can you be "just friends" with someone you were so in love with, without feeling something when you're with them. Especially when your current girlfriend isn't there. I don't know, I guess maybe I'm paranoid and protective and controlling. Because he said he didn't know how to help me and make me feel better. My opinion, in all honesty, DONT HANG OUT WITH HER ANYMORE, STOP TEXTING HER WHEN SHES TEXTS YOU, or at least don't text her while you're with me. Don't call her nicknames like Steph. Don't tell me how certain things I do or say remind you of her and how it hurts you. Because that just gives me ground to know that you're not over her completely. If things still sting, its too soon. Maybe it is too soon... Maybe that is the conclusion I should of come to in the beginning. I should of known that you wouldn't be over her. You were in love, She left and broke your heart, You're definitely not over her. There is nothing I can do about it. Nothing at all.

Like I said, Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I am exaggerating. Maybe, Just maybe.. We should have waited. Too late now.

Life is good guys.. Life is pretty good.

"The only difference between a flower and a weed is......Judgement "

Finding this quote is so ironic! My mother has been telling me for a week now that I have finally blossomed into the beautiful flower she always knew I would one day become.

I recently had a new guy come into my life. He is good and sweet and so imperfectly amazing. He smiles and my cheeks heat up right away. He laughs and I smile because of how completely cute his laugh is. His eyes change color, and I honestly find my self staring so deeply into them that I forget whats going on around me and all I see is him. We all know that there is a difference between smart and intelligence. My boyfriend is intelligent and smart all in one. He has common sense and control and respect. He is responsible and goal orientated. He makes me need to do better in school. He makes me want to do better in every aspect of my life. I want to be around him all the time. I want to know his every mood, recognize all his faces, know what every sound in his voice means. I want to know all there is to know about him and I want to be there for him and hold him and make him smile. Heres the kicker guys, I also want him to know all this about me. Thats something I've never wanted before. I have always wanted that element of mystery, that knowledge in my mind that someone will never know everything there is to know about me. I wanted that power, that control. But, with Aarron, things are different. I want him to know all that there is to know. I think he could handle it, I think WE could handle it. There is just something about him. Something that I recognize, something that I see in myself sometimes. He's always himself, and never tries to be anything more or less. He holds me so close and makes me feel special and important. He asks me to go places with him and its nice, you know, to feel that you're wanted. This guy with this amazing personality and an awesome sense of humor has somehow pulled me out of my comfort zone and made me feel comfortable in his. I'm happy with him and happy with who I am around him and with him. He brightens my days and lights up my nights. He calms my fears and smothers my worries. I look forward to all the joy and happiness and excitement. I look forward to the days full of laughter and jokes and smiles. I look forward to seeing him smile and watching him have fun and enjoy life. I look forward to making him as happy as he makes me.

This is something good and pure, something that I will never ever forget. In 3 short weeks something in me has changed and I am irrevocably grateful. This year has been rough, dirty, nasty and disgusting. Things have changed, I have lost family members and pieces of my heart have been permanently crushed, stomped on and shattered. But, I am insanely blessed, for this year has also been one of the best years of my life. We moved to a nice house, I got to know so much about my mother, I have the best of friends around me, I reached goals and made new ones, and I found this guy. This amazing, dorky, smart, handsome, funny as hell, passionate, sentimental, adorable, talented, sincere guy who makes me so entirely happy.

This makes my mother say "Amber, you have become such a woman, a lady, a flower. You have blossomed and opened up to new things. You finally opened your heart and you're letting someone in a little bit. You're my beautifully bloomed flower." I love my mom.

Life is good guys, life is pretty good.

The "Don'ts" of High school

(Please excuse my language in this blog post. It won't happen again, I can assure you!)

-Is it not amazing how quickly word travels in High school?-

-Just because I am OK with kissing my boyfriend after a day of dating, I'm a whore. My least favorite word ever to be said. That is what I am known as, by a number of people. I can not stress how much I honestly don't care what anyone has to say. I don't care what those people think about me. They do not know me at all and they don't know what I do and who I am. So, I don't care. But, my friends, it IS High school and from the pre- to the post pubescent males and females, everyone will talk. Their gossip being their only means of staying connected to the world. They are a community of trash talking, drama breathing, gossip spewing air heads. What ever you do, whether it be the smallest possible thing, EVERYONE will know about it. So, don't you dare step on an ant or get a rock in your shoe. You better not get toothpaste in your hair or dirt on your pants. No kissing you boyfriend in public. OH, and what ever you do, just do not be a girl, at all. Don't smile too much or you will be a freak, but don't frown at all or you will be a depressed emo kid. Just do me a favor and do not ever kiss your boyfriend.

My anger is through the roof, my temperature has sky rocketed to the moon. I hate, with everything in me, the word "whore", especially when it is being directed at me. It is the one and only word that you could say to me and I would hit you right in the face with a closed fist and absolutely no hesitation.

I don't care what they think. They can call me anything they want and give any bullshit example that they want. But, they are ignorant and they will never know me. I am 1000000% happy with the person that I am. I know who I am and what I am not. As long as I know the truth and he knows the truth, all is fine and dandy.

So, let them spit their acid, volatile words. Let them open their garbage mouths and litter the world with trash talk and fallacies. People will talk, no matter what and you have two options. Put it behind you and do your own thing or let it get to you and cause more problems.

I say FUCK THE MASSES.

Because seriously, do they matter to you at all? It is in the human nature to be curious and suspicious and they will continue to run their mouths no matter the effect. So, tune it out and live it up.

Coming to an understanding.

"You will never have a friend if you must have one without faults" -Anonymous

* I read this quote in my AP English class today and immediately after, I got lost in thought. Ms. Cooper kept the lecture up while my mind raced back and forth from thought to picture to memory. I realized all the wrongs I have committed over the years.

Truth be told, I have always been shallow when it comes to people, mainly the ones that I have dated. Things would be great for a month or two, and then I started to pick out the flaws. I think it's because I have never been mature enough to believe that no one is perfect. I always thought "Hey, I'll find the perfect person and fall deeply love with them one day." But, you know what? Our faults and imperfections make us who we are. Being yourself and showing the true you is the only way to ever have a truly meaningful relationship, whether it be with a friend or a significant other. I have realized that what I used to be was completely terrible. I became mean..cold...harsh and even brutal. I found faults and I picked at them until I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't understand why someone had such an imperfection and i didn't like it so I told them and it all blew up. Needless to say, I had about 5 relationships that all ended within 3 months because I could not get over what I found. I thought that their imperfections somehow made them less beautiful. What I failed to realize is that, It is exactly those imperfections that make someone beautiful, handsome, sexy..etc.

So, I sat in class speechless, broken and distraught because I felt absolutely horrible realizing how wrong I was and how badly I acted. That was it for me, I was stuck in my head constantly wondering and thinking and figuring everything out.

Finally, I came to an understanding within myself.

I am ready to let myself be happy. I am ready to stop looking for wrongs and faults and imperfections. I am ready to just let happiness happen. Did you know that EVERYONE has the right to be happy?

So, here we go. I am in a new relationship with this lovely guy, Aarron, and I know that he is not perfect. I accept that because finally I understand it. I'm not perfect, you're not perfect, he is not perfect. NO ONE will ever be able to live up to that word. I honestly accept that now. I understand it and I am completely comfortable with this whole accepting flaws thing.

Upon entering someones life, the "unspoken understanding" is that you must like them for who and what they are. If you can't, then by their side is not where you're meant to be.

-I am not a quitter, I'm a fighter and this is something that I believe in, so I am going to fight for my place in someones life if need be. If someone can love and accept my many flaws,faults,imperfections, which ever you choose to say, then the very least I can do is love and accept them right back. I feel wiser now. Kinder and more gentle. I am more mature and understanding and no longer will I be classified as shallow and misled.

NO ONE is perfect and I like it that way.

You deserve better

Don't you love sitting on the couch, watching Malcolm in the middle, waiting for the phone to buz?

When the phone finally rings and you jump up with so much hope and then you get a little bit sad inside when you realize its your mom, or someone calling for help with homework. Thats when you just want to run. Run to the door, down the street, across the intersection, and through back yards. Run to get away from the disappointment.

You wait all day to hear his voice, and all you get is a text or two that says very little about what you want to know. You wait for the day that he calls and talks to you the way he used to. Tells you how amazing and how stunning you are, and how he dreams of you. How he wishes that in the future it could be just you and him. You hope for the day that he keeps his promise to always be there for you. You still have hope in your heart that you guys are as close as you once were.

But, in the back of your mind you know that he is obviously one of those statistics, one of those guys who is exactly what mama warned you about. You know in your mind that he is not worth your time, because he is definitely only interested in one thing, and its not your heart. You realize that you've been played, and that he continues to play you because some how you have developed and soft spot for him.

Days of hoping, wondering, wishing, thinking, sighing, and maybe a little crying, you finally realize you are so much better off without him. Because if the two of you dated, you would know that he was talking to some other girls the exact same way he used to talk to you. You wake up in the morning with a smile on your face because finally you are free from the confusion, the questions, and the hurt. You open your eyes to the fact that you can do so much better because you have also opened your eyes to the fact that he is not all that.

He really isn't everything you thought he was. In fact, the only reason you were so caught up in him was because of the chase. The sweet, subtle flirtation mixed with the attraction that led to the tension when you guys were together. Suddenly the light bulb goes off in your head and you know that he isn't the only flirtatious guy in the world, and that there are some guys out there that are not just interested in getting in your pants.

Finally, you can go to bed at night and be excited to wake up in the morning because you don't know what the next day holds, all you know is that you won't be stuck waiting for him to call anymore. You will no longer lay all your hopes on seeing him look at you just once. You know you deserve to be treated better and you know you can find a nicer, sexier, funnier, smarter, guy or gal.

Time to stop worrying about him. Get on with your life. Leave him in the dust. He will see what he is missing out on and sooner or later it won't even matter to you. He will still be the same ass hole, stuck in his old ways, praying on the non-confident, sensitive girls with low self-esteem and an intense need to belong.

Love yourself. Worry about yourself. Makes yourself happy. And then you will find someone who is just as amazing as you are. Someone who deserves you. Why? Because you deserve it.

Decisions: Think hard

I wanted to call you and say goodnight,

I thought about telling you I loved you, hoping I could make you feel better. I hoped for a chance to talk to you again, waiting for that day my phone rang and I'd be happy to pick it up.

You're the reason for my sadness. You're problems are my priority because you can't handle them without some help. I tried to make things right, I tried to help as much as I could. But, you took advantage of my good heart and you lied to me over and over again. Fathers are not supposed to lie. They are supposed to be the strong, leaders of the house. Instead I'm forced to spend the rest of my teenage years with the two people I have the least in common with. Dad, you were my light. You were my best friend. My energy. You were my hero and above all, you were always there to hold me while I cried. I've been crying alone lately...Too often may I add. I miss fishing on the boat with you. I miss snorkeling and roller blading and biking and hiking with you. I miss the days when you woke up and decided not to take your medicine. I miss those days when you would dance around the house singing Elvis and banging on pots and pans. I miss when you would wrestle with pongo. I wish we could have those days again. Where you would wake up and watch cartoons. I wish the old days could come back. I wish for so many things, even though I know that this one wish is one never to come true. Because... you made your choice dad... and it wasn't your family.

Boys, Guys, Men? What makes a man?

Here's some real bullshi(z).

My sweet mother has been talking to this apparently equally sweet guy that she dated a while ago right? Well, things were pretty great for her for about a month and then the dude turned sour. He only wanted a friendship. * Cough ...Dick ... cough* Recently, I took it upon myself to send him a message explaining how everyone could be happy in this situation, including his 9 year old daughter. This message was at least 5-6 paragraphs and it was very well written. My mother looked over it and gave the go ahead. I clicked send, and we waited. Days later I receive a message on my facebook account from this guy. He used an entire paragraph to explain to me that

1. He read my message.

2. My mom is sweet.

3. He debated on whether or not to reply.

and big number 4. He decided I deserved a reply.

Uhm... Yeah. That was all it said. I wasted 15 minutes of my day writing this huge letter to this guy to try and make things right for my mother and in return I get a message telling me "I read your message... I replied.." DOUCHE.

Excuse my language please, but wow I am seriously upset about this situation. My mother seems emotionless to whats happening, But I know her well enough to know that it stings more than she lets anyone see.

So..Guys... If you're going to "talk" to a girl and get her hopes up way high... Don't just roll over one morning and decided you don't want a fantastic person in your life. Because, well, thats just plain stupid..