You deserve better

Don't you love sitting on the couch, watching Malcolm in the middle, waiting for the phone to buz?

When the phone finally rings and you jump up with so much hope and then you get a little bit sad inside when you realize its your mom, or someone calling for help with homework. Thats when you just want to run. Run to the door, down the street, across the intersection, and through back yards. Run to get away from the disappointment.

You wait all day to hear his voice, and all you get is a text or two that says very little about what you want to know. You wait for the day that he calls and talks to you the way he used to. Tells you how amazing and how stunning you are, and how he dreams of you. How he wishes that in the future it could be just you and him. You hope for the day that he keeps his promise to always be there for you. You still have hope in your heart that you guys are as close as you once were.

But, in the back of your mind you know that he is obviously one of those statistics, one of those guys who is exactly what mama warned you about. You know in your mind that he is not worth your time, because he is definitely only interested in one thing, and its not your heart. You realize that you've been played, and that he continues to play you because some how you have developed and soft spot for him.

Days of hoping, wondering, wishing, thinking, sighing, and maybe a little crying, you finally realize you are so much better off without him. Because if the two of you dated, you would know that he was talking to some other girls the exact same way he used to talk to you. You wake up in the morning with a smile on your face because finally you are free from the confusion, the questions, and the hurt. You open your eyes to the fact that you can do so much better because you have also opened your eyes to the fact that he is not all that.

He really isn't everything you thought he was. In fact, the only reason you were so caught up in him was because of the chase. The sweet, subtle flirtation mixed with the attraction that led to the tension when you guys were together. Suddenly the light bulb goes off in your head and you know that he isn't the only flirtatious guy in the world, and that there are some guys out there that are not just interested in getting in your pants.

Finally, you can go to bed at night and be excited to wake up in the morning because you don't know what the next day holds, all you know is that you won't be stuck waiting for him to call anymore. You will no longer lay all your hopes on seeing him look at you just once. You know you deserve to be treated better and you know you can find a nicer, sexier, funnier, smarter, guy or gal.

Time to stop worrying about him. Get on with your life. Leave him in the dust. He will see what he is missing out on and sooner or later it won't even matter to you. He will still be the same ass hole, stuck in his old ways, praying on the non-confident, sensitive girls with low self-esteem and an intense need to belong.

Love yourself. Worry about yourself. Makes yourself happy. And then you will find someone who is just as amazing as you are. Someone who deserves you. Why? Because you deserve it.

Decisions: Think hard

I wanted to call you and say goodnight,

I thought about telling you I loved you, hoping I could make you feel better. I hoped for a chance to talk to you again, waiting for that day my phone rang and I'd be happy to pick it up.

You're the reason for my sadness. You're problems are my priority because you can't handle them without some help. I tried to make things right, I tried to help as much as I could. But, you took advantage of my good heart and you lied to me over and over again. Fathers are not supposed to lie. They are supposed to be the strong, leaders of the house. Instead I'm forced to spend the rest of my teenage years with the two people I have the least in common with. Dad, you were my light. You were my best friend. My energy. You were my hero and above all, you were always there to hold me while I cried. I've been crying alone lately...Too often may I add. I miss fishing on the boat with you. I miss snorkeling and roller blading and biking and hiking with you. I miss the days when you woke up and decided not to take your medicine. I miss those days when you would dance around the house singing Elvis and banging on pots and pans. I miss when you would wrestle with pongo. I wish we could have those days again. Where you would wake up and watch cartoons. I wish the old days could come back. I wish for so many things, even though I know that this one wish is one never to come true. Because... you made your choice dad... and it wasn't your family.

Boys, Guys, Men? What makes a man?

Here's some real bullshi(z).

My sweet mother has been talking to this apparently equally sweet guy that she dated a while ago right? Well, things were pretty great for her for about a month and then the dude turned sour. He only wanted a friendship. * Cough ...Dick ... cough* Recently, I took it upon myself to send him a message explaining how everyone could be happy in this situation, including his 9 year old daughter. This message was at least 5-6 paragraphs and it was very well written. My mother looked over it and gave the go ahead. I clicked send, and we waited. Days later I receive a message on my facebook account from this guy. He used an entire paragraph to explain to me that

1. He read my message.

2. My mom is sweet.

3. He debated on whether or not to reply.

and big number 4. He decided I deserved a reply.

Uhm... Yeah. That was all it said. I wasted 15 minutes of my day writing this huge letter to this guy to try and make things right for my mother and in return I get a message telling me "I read your message... I replied.." DOUCHE.

Excuse my language please, but wow I am seriously upset about this situation. My mother seems emotionless to whats happening, But I know her well enough to know that it stings more than she lets anyone see.

So..Guys... If you're going to "talk" to a girl and get her hopes up way high... Don't just roll over one morning and decided you don't want a fantastic person in your life. Because, well, thats just plain stupid..

Something about something or other?

Some how

I cry every night,

My eyes get puffy and red,

in the morning I just don't feel right,

I almost feel dead.

Walking through the dark,

I look for something that feels familiar,

something to ignite that spark,

so I don't feel like such a failure.

I left and practically ran into the door,

The look on your face left nothing to the imagination,

It hurt so much to leave, I was left gasping on the floor,

In my heart I knew I owed you a better explanation.

You cried and My heart shattered,

I cry and you don't even know,

i got so cold inside my teeth began to chatter,

I walk away and i feel my love beginning to go.

Nothing I did was right,

nothing I did was good,

I felt my mind and my heart rearing to fight,

but every thing hurts, as it should.

Im horrible inside,

and nothing will change,

because with each passing minute I tell myself never to confide,

to you I probably sound so strange.

I've built up these walls,

and no one can break them down,

even when you think you might, you'll be the one who falls,

I cant even muster up the courage to frown.

though later, when my door is shut,

I cry so much it could fill up an entire pool,

i feel like I'm just getting worse, seriously I feel it in my gut,

I'm walking around, joking about it, looking and acting like such a fool.

This is bad, This is really really bad,

unfortunately I'll never be better than I am now,

and frankly it's quite sad,

I just wish I could grow into a better person, some day, some how.

-AmberWomack 8/25/10

Don't change

Just thought I'd try out something new.

Doesn't really fit who I know I am though.

It's just... life has been getting more difficult by the second and I wanted a break from being me. But, this little game of dress up

didn't help at all.

I feel worse than I did before, because now that I washed my hair and

the sharpie came off... I feel bad about trying to be someone else. I'm sick... Sick and tired of having to go through all this. I seriously hate dragging people

into my problems so this is all I'm going to say.

Love yourself. Love who you are even if others don't. If they are stupid enough to not take you for who you are, then they don't deserve to be in your life.

That up there is not me.

This, below, is who I am. And I say.. Take it or leave it, because I won't change for anyone.

Don't lock it all up inside

Believe me when I say that sometimes holding back, hurts more than just saying what you feel. Tonight, my dad called me and the conversation went from good to horrible, really quickly. He sounded alright, I mean really, he sounded normal. I have to admit, for a few minutes I thought things were finally getting better. Until his stories got a bit sketchy. That's when I started paying better attention to detail. He told me he was smoking a cigarette in his truck at the gas station. Why would he feel the need to lie about where he was and what he was doing, right? A few minutes later, he starts to not make any sense. I ask him "Dad, where are you?" and his reply? "I'm on Earth...Shh. talk quieter" ...Odd right? Yeah, I know what you're thinking "Maybe he is just joking around or something, don't just jump to conclusions Amber." Mmhm. I thought the same thing until i hear "Amber, zap me up. I'm on Earth and I'm not supposed to be. Beam me up! Hurry! but shhh, whisper." At least, that is what I heard through his slightly slurred speech. Instantly I figured he was drunk, so I asked if he was home or if he was driving and his answer was "God Amber, you're just no fun anymore. What the F**K happened to your humor?" Great talk dad. Glad I'm the one who gets to talk to you when you make no sense. I didn't say what I was thinking nor what I was feeling in my gut. Instead I told him I was tired and I had to go. My statement was not taken very well. "OH C'MON, I never see you and your brother and you don't even want to talk to me anymore. What happened to you Amber. Where did your heart go? You just don't care for your old man anymore huh?" "Dad, I'm tired I will talk to you tomorrow, Goodnight. " " No you won't Amber, you know you guys won't talk to me unless I call and pester the phone enough for you to finally get annoyed and pick up." - Now keep in mind, the things I write in here are just the parts of the conversation that I could decipher. Finally i hang up and turn my phone off and try to make sense of what was said. I can't remember why I didn't tell him that I knew he was lying. I just sat there and let him sound like a fool. I don't know why I didn't just tell him how stupid he was being and how his dumb decisions were just making his life worse, and in turn, making my life and my brothers life messier than our fathers. I wish I would of told him just how hurt I was that he called me when he was in such a state. I know I could of, because I usually do say what I think and what I feel, when its other people. (My dad was once my idol. The one person that I thought had it all figured out. The guy I thought ruled the world. "Yeah, thats my papa." Is what I would proudly say to friends that looked up at him in amazement. My dad handled 7ft snakes with ease, he scuba dived and caught lobsters for dinner, he went sky diving and survived, he listened to country music and talked like Donald duck. Yeah guys, thats my dad right there, the guy with the cow boy hat and sun glasses. The same guy who drove me to school every morning and kissed my forehead before I could run to class. My idol folks, the coolest person on the face of the Earth, My papa.) - I can't hurt his feelings by telling him what an idiot I think he is.. Last time I tried that, it back fired and I got called a traitor and he told me that I am just like my mother towards him, "unloving, cruel, and full of hatred." Holding in all my sadness and my rage just burns my skin. I can feel it all bottled up in my heart and it hurts so completely that every few minutes I just burst into tears. Locking up your emotions is one of the worst ways to attempt to fix something. 1. Because It does not fix anything at all. and 2. It hurts more than anything. So, before you close your mouth and just sit there and take the emotional beating, I suggest you think about what to say and then let that person have a piece of your mind. Just a piece, because the truth hurts and people can only take so much pain, until they finally implode.

Human? Astonishment

I broke up with him twice and he still calls me because he feels in his gut that there is something wrong. I'm in tears on the couch, clutching my knees tightly to my chest as I answer the phone and hear his voice so soft in my mind before he even speaks. He called because he felt like there was something wrong with me. I don't know how he does it, but he always knows. Human kindness. Compassion. Unconditional love. I've never felt it so strong in all my 15 years of life. He is hurting more than me and he is dealing with a broken heart. A heart that I broke. Yet he finds the ability to dial my number and take the pain just to try and make me feel better. Completely throwing his own feelings out the door. I was crying, I was shaken up. I had just got off the phone with my dad who doesn't have a job and is very depressed living with people who are not even friends of his. He had been telling me that I should try to get my mom to let him come back home. My mother had just got off the phone with a guy in Ohio that she had/still has feelings for. I know that my parents will never be together again but breaking my dads spirit even more is out of the question for me. It doesn't even register in my head. I said "Dad, I'll talk to her when you get a job." To which he replies "I'm not going to be around much longer Amber." I hang up with my dad and I run into the house and pace a bit. I place myself in the corner near the door and I burst into tears. As soon as I lay on the couch and begin to shake, My phone rings. It's Kevin... I answered without even thinking and instantly the tears get worse. I am now sobbing. He instantly said "I knew it." We talked for 26 minutes and my face was completely clear of any sadness I had before. People never cease to amaze me. He pushed through his pain and his sorrow to try and make me feel somewhat better. His kindness and his compassion along with his strength and his courage makes him one of the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure to be close to. Kevin Maxwell you will forever be in my heart and I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you.