Believe me when I say that sometimes holding back, hurts more than just saying what you feel. Tonight, my dad called me and the conversation went from good to horrible, really quickly. He sounded alright, I mean really, he sounded normal. I have to admit, for a few minutes I thought things were finally getting better. Until his stories got a bit sketchy. That's when I started paying better attention to detail. He told me he was smoking a cigarette in his truck at the gas station. Why would he feel the need to lie about where he was and what he was doing, right? A few minutes later, he starts to not make any sense. I ask him "Dad, where are you?" and his reply? "I'm on Earth...Shh. talk quieter" ...Odd right? Yeah, I know what you're thinking "Maybe he is just joking around or something, don't just jump to conclusions Amber." Mmhm. I thought the same thing until i hear "Amber, zap me up. I'm on Earth and I'm not supposed to be. Beam me up! Hurry! but shhh, whisper." At least, that is what I heard through his slightly slurred speech. Instantly I figured he was drunk, so I asked if he was home or if he was driving and his answer was "God Amber, you're just no fun anymore. What the F**K happened to your humor?" Great talk dad. Glad I'm the one who gets to talk to you when you make no sense. I didn't say what I was thinking nor what I was feeling in my gut. Instead I told him I was tired and I had to go. My statement was not taken very well. "OH C'MON, I never see you and your brother and you don't even want to talk to me anymore. What happened to you Amber. Where did your heart go? You just don't care for your old man anymore huh?" "Dad, I'm tired I will talk to you tomorrow, Goodnight. " " No you won't Amber, you know you guys won't talk to me unless I call and pester the phone enough for you to finally get annoyed and pick up." - Now keep in mind, the things I write in here are just the parts of the conversation that I could decipher. Finally i hang up and turn my phone off and try to make sense of what was said. I can't remember why I didn't tell him that I knew he was lying. I just sat there and let him sound like a fool. I don't know why I didn't just tell him how stupid he was being and how his dumb decisions were just making his life worse, and in turn, making my life and my brothers life messier than our fathers. I wish I would of told him just how hurt I was that he called me when he was in such a state. I know I could of, because I usually do say what I think and what I feel, when its other people. (My dad was once my idol. The one person that I thought had it all figured out. The guy I thought ruled the world. "Yeah, thats my papa." Is what I would proudly say to friends that looked up at him in amazement. My dad handled 7ft snakes with ease, he scuba dived and caught lobsters for dinner, he went sky diving and survived, he listened to country music and talked like Donald duck. Yeah guys, thats my dad right there, the guy with the cow boy hat and sun glasses. The same guy who drove me to school every morning and kissed my forehead before I could run to class. My idol folks, the coolest person on the face of the Earth, My papa.) - I can't hurt his feelings by telling him what an idiot I think he is.. Last time I tried that, it back fired and I got called a traitor and he told me that I am just like my mother towards him, "unloving, cruel, and full of hatred." Holding in all my sadness and my rage just burns my skin. I can feel it all bottled up in my heart and it hurts so completely that every few minutes I just burst into tears. Locking up your emotions is one of the worst ways to attempt to fix something. 1. Because It does not fix anything at all. and 2. It hurts more than anything. So, before you close your mouth and just sit there and take the emotional beating, I suggest you think about what to say and then let that person have a piece of your mind. Just a piece, because the truth hurts and people can only take so much pain, until they finally implode.
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