I broke up with my boyfriend on Thursday the 12th. We dated for almost 6 months. I'm not sure how to feel. Honestly I could be a kid with him. We always had fun. But, every one has to grow up sometime. I didn't tell anyone. But, the reason I ended it was because of who I became.. Or who I didn't become.
I had goals for the summer.
I had big plans... Huge.
I wanted to finish something for once instead of just starting and trying my best. But dating Kevin was like a break from life. It was like serenity even during a war. It was calming and compassionate. But, all good things have to end. I didn't do the things I wanted to do. Some of the things I did do, I'm not proud of.
Somewhere during those 5 and a half months, I lost myself. I forgot who I was, and the things that I believed in. I gave up completely to the easy relationship that we had. I took the easy way out. I practically laid there and gave myself up completely to the gentle breeze. There were moments where I doubted the relationship. I even ended it once before. But being that we made each other so happy. I decided.... why not. We got back together despite my rule of dating. "Never date the same person twice, there is a reason it did not work the first time"
Now, as I look back I think I just wanted some affection. He gave that to me without question. I was held on such a high pedestal that nothing I did was wrong. I just wish I knew a better way to find myself.
I went out on a date tonight.. And yes before you say anything, I know it was a bad idea and the wrong thing to do and much much too soon. But, I went anyways. Martin and I saw "Eat Pray Love" and it was one of the most beautiful movies I have ever had the pleasure to see. The only problem was trying to hear the delicate words between loved ones on the screen when Mr. Bored pants sighed every 5 minutes. I mean... he picked the movie so he could at least try to enjoy it. He tried talking throughout the entire movie. I mean, I enjoyed his company. It was kinda fun and sweet. As soon as the movie over I called my mother and I told Martin she was right around the corner. I kissed his cheek and walked swiftly away. Mommy dearest was more than a 10 minute walk away and I ran as soon as I rounded the corner. I ran like I have never ran before. I held my bagtightly to my chest and I bolted through the night. I whizzed past trees, parked cars, pedestrians, closed doors, stop signs, and I ran away from it all. I ran away from my pain and problems. I ran from the pain I've caused and the pain I know I will cause. I ran and the only thing I thought about was the night. With nothing to bring me down. I stopped and it all rushed back to me.
I feel horrible saying this but from the break up and the random date with Martin, I found clarity and I found truth.
The movie helped with this. I found something that I loved more than anything. Something that made me feel like I was invincible. I just wish I wasn't scared of it. It terrifies me to let go so completely.
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