Boys, Guys, Men? What makes a man?

Here's some real bullshi(z).

My sweet mother has been talking to this apparently equally sweet guy that she dated a while ago right? Well, things were pretty great for her for about a month and then the dude turned sour. He only wanted a friendship. * Cough ...Dick ... cough* Recently, I took it upon myself to send him a message explaining how everyone could be happy in this situation, including his 9 year old daughter. This message was at least 5-6 paragraphs and it was very well written. My mother looked over it and gave the go ahead. I clicked send, and we waited. Days later I receive a message on my facebook account from this guy. He used an entire paragraph to explain to me that

1. He read my message.

2. My mom is sweet.

3. He debated on whether or not to reply.

and big number 4. He decided I deserved a reply.

Uhm... Yeah. That was all it said. I wasted 15 minutes of my day writing this huge letter to this guy to try and make things right for my mother and in return I get a message telling me "I read your message... I replied.." DOUCHE.

Excuse my language please, but wow I am seriously upset about this situation. My mother seems emotionless to whats happening, But I know her well enough to know that it stings more than she lets anyone see.

So..Guys... If you're going to "talk" to a girl and get her hopes up way high... Don't just roll over one morning and decided you don't want a fantastic person in your life. Because, well, thats just plain stupid..

Something about something or other?

Some how

I cry every night,

My eyes get puffy and red,

in the morning I just don't feel right,

I almost feel dead.

Walking through the dark,

I look for something that feels familiar,

something to ignite that spark,

so I don't feel like such a failure.

I left and practically ran into the door,

The look on your face left nothing to the imagination,

It hurt so much to leave, I was left gasping on the floor,

In my heart I knew I owed you a better explanation.

You cried and My heart shattered,

I cry and you don't even know,

i got so cold inside my teeth began to chatter,

I walk away and i feel my love beginning to go.

Nothing I did was right,

nothing I did was good,

I felt my mind and my heart rearing to fight,

but every thing hurts, as it should.

Im horrible inside,

and nothing will change,

because with each passing minute I tell myself never to confide,

to you I probably sound so strange.

I've built up these walls,

and no one can break them down,

even when you think you might, you'll be the one who falls,

I cant even muster up the courage to frown.

though later, when my door is shut,

I cry so much it could fill up an entire pool,

i feel like I'm just getting worse, seriously I feel it in my gut,

I'm walking around, joking about it, looking and acting like such a fool.

This is bad, This is really really bad,

unfortunately I'll never be better than I am now,

and frankly it's quite sad,

I just wish I could grow into a better person, some day, some how.

-AmberWomack 8/25/10

Don't change

Just thought I'd try out something new.

Doesn't really fit who I know I am though.

It's just... life has been getting more difficult by the second and I wanted a break from being me. But, this little game of dress up

didn't help at all.

I feel worse than I did before, because now that I washed my hair and

the sharpie came off... I feel bad about trying to be someone else. I'm sick... Sick and tired of having to go through all this. I seriously hate dragging people

into my problems so this is all I'm going to say.

Love yourself. Love who you are even if others don't. If they are stupid enough to not take you for who you are, then they don't deserve to be in your life.

That up there is not me.

This, below, is who I am. And I say.. Take it or leave it, because I won't change for anyone.

Don't lock it all up inside

Believe me when I say that sometimes holding back, hurts more than just saying what you feel. Tonight, my dad called me and the conversation went from good to horrible, really quickly. He sounded alright, I mean really, he sounded normal. I have to admit, for a few minutes I thought things were finally getting better. Until his stories got a bit sketchy. That's when I started paying better attention to detail. He told me he was smoking a cigarette in his truck at the gas station. Why would he feel the need to lie about where he was and what he was doing, right? A few minutes later, he starts to not make any sense. I ask him "Dad, where are you?" and his reply? "I'm on Earth...Shh. talk quieter" ...Odd right? Yeah, I know what you're thinking "Maybe he is just joking around or something, don't just jump to conclusions Amber." Mmhm. I thought the same thing until i hear "Amber, zap me up. I'm on Earth and I'm not supposed to be. Beam me up! Hurry! but shhh, whisper." At least, that is what I heard through his slightly slurred speech. Instantly I figured he was drunk, so I asked if he was home or if he was driving and his answer was "God Amber, you're just no fun anymore. What the F**K happened to your humor?" Great talk dad. Glad I'm the one who gets to talk to you when you make no sense. I didn't say what I was thinking nor what I was feeling in my gut. Instead I told him I was tired and I had to go. My statement was not taken very well. "OH C'MON, I never see you and your brother and you don't even want to talk to me anymore. What happened to you Amber. Where did your heart go? You just don't care for your old man anymore huh?" "Dad, I'm tired I will talk to you tomorrow, Goodnight. " " No you won't Amber, you know you guys won't talk to me unless I call and pester the phone enough for you to finally get annoyed and pick up." - Now keep in mind, the things I write in here are just the parts of the conversation that I could decipher. Finally i hang up and turn my phone off and try to make sense of what was said. I can't remember why I didn't tell him that I knew he was lying. I just sat there and let him sound like a fool. I don't know why I didn't just tell him how stupid he was being and how his dumb decisions were just making his life worse, and in turn, making my life and my brothers life messier than our fathers. I wish I would of told him just how hurt I was that he called me when he was in such a state. I know I could of, because I usually do say what I think and what I feel, when its other people. (My dad was once my idol. The one person that I thought had it all figured out. The guy I thought ruled the world. "Yeah, thats my papa." Is what I would proudly say to friends that looked up at him in amazement. My dad handled 7ft snakes with ease, he scuba dived and caught lobsters for dinner, he went sky diving and survived, he listened to country music and talked like Donald duck. Yeah guys, thats my dad right there, the guy with the cow boy hat and sun glasses. The same guy who drove me to school every morning and kissed my forehead before I could run to class. My idol folks, the coolest person on the face of the Earth, My papa.) - I can't hurt his feelings by telling him what an idiot I think he is.. Last time I tried that, it back fired and I got called a traitor and he told me that I am just like my mother towards him, "unloving, cruel, and full of hatred." Holding in all my sadness and my rage just burns my skin. I can feel it all bottled up in my heart and it hurts so completely that every few minutes I just burst into tears. Locking up your emotions is one of the worst ways to attempt to fix something. 1. Because It does not fix anything at all. and 2. It hurts more than anything. So, before you close your mouth and just sit there and take the emotional beating, I suggest you think about what to say and then let that person have a piece of your mind. Just a piece, because the truth hurts and people can only take so much pain, until they finally implode.

Human? Astonishment

I broke up with him twice and he still calls me because he feels in his gut that there is something wrong. I'm in tears on the couch, clutching my knees tightly to my chest as I answer the phone and hear his voice so soft in my mind before he even speaks. He called because he felt like there was something wrong with me. I don't know how he does it, but he always knows. Human kindness. Compassion. Unconditional love. I've never felt it so strong in all my 15 years of life. He is hurting more than me and he is dealing with a broken heart. A heart that I broke. Yet he finds the ability to dial my number and take the pain just to try and make me feel better. Completely throwing his own feelings out the door. I was crying, I was shaken up. I had just got off the phone with my dad who doesn't have a job and is very depressed living with people who are not even friends of his. He had been telling me that I should try to get my mom to let him come back home. My mother had just got off the phone with a guy in Ohio that she had/still has feelings for. I know that my parents will never be together again but breaking my dads spirit even more is out of the question for me. It doesn't even register in my head. I said "Dad, I'll talk to her when you get a job." To which he replies "I'm not going to be around much longer Amber." I hang up with my dad and I run into the house and pace a bit. I place myself in the corner near the door and I burst into tears. As soon as I lay on the couch and begin to shake, My phone rings. It's Kevin... I answered without even thinking and instantly the tears get worse. I am now sobbing. He instantly said "I knew it." We talked for 26 minutes and my face was completely clear of any sadness I had before. People never cease to amaze me. He pushed through his pain and his sorrow to try and make me feel somewhat better. His kindness and his compassion along with his strength and his courage makes him one of the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure to be close to. Kevin Maxwell you will forever be in my heart and I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you.

I need to learn to let go

"Like a butterfly, I floated by and now I'm alone.I wish I knew when I'll be back again. So until then I wish you well. My dear Brielle"-

I broke up with my boyfriend on Thursday the 12th. We dated for almost 6 months. I'm not sure how to feel. Honestly I could be a kid with him. We always had fun. But, every one has to grow up sometime. I didn't tell anyone. But, the reason I ended it was because of who I became.. Or who I didn't become.

I had goals for the summer.

I had big plans... Huge.

I wanted to finish something for once instead of just starting and trying my best. But dating Kevin was like a break from life. It was like serenity even during a war. It was calming and compassionate. But, all good things have to end. I didn't do the things I wanted to do. Some of the things I did do, I'm not proud of.

Somewhere during those 5 and a half months, I lost myself. I forgot who I was, and the things that I believed in. I gave up completely to the easy relationship that we had. I took the easy way out. I practically laid there and gave myself up completely to the gentle breeze. There were moments where I doubted the relationship. I even ended it once before. But being that we made each other so happy. I decided.... why not. We got back together despite my rule of dating. "Never date the same person twice, there is a reason it did not work the first time"

Now, as I look back I think I just wanted some affection. He gave that to me without question. I was held on such a high pedestal that nothing I did was wrong. I just wish I knew a better way to find myself.

I went out on a date tonight.. And yes before you say anything, I know it was a bad idea and the wrong thing to do and much much too soon. But, I went anyways. Martin and I saw "Eat Pray Love" and it was one of the most beautiful movies I have ever had the pleasure to see. The only problem was trying to hear the delicate words between loved ones on the screen when Mr. Bored pants sighed every 5 minutes. I mean... he picked the movie so he could at least try to enjoy it. He tried talking throughout the entire movie. I mean, I enjoyed his company. It was kinda fun and sweet. As soon as the movie over I called my mother and I told Martin she was right around the corner. I kissed his cheek and walked swiftly away. Mommy dearest was more than a 10 minute walk away and I ran as soon as I rounded the corner. I ran like I have never ran before. I held my bagtightly to my chest and I bolted through the night. I whizzed past trees, parked cars, pedestrians, closed doors, stop signs, and I ran away from it all. I ran away from my pain and problems. I ran from the pain I've caused and the pain I know I will cause. I ran and the only thing I thought about was the night. With nothing to bring me down. I stopped and it all rushed back to me.

I feel horrible saying this but from the break up and the random date with Martin, I found clarity and I found truth.

The movie helped with this. I found something that I loved more than anything. Something that made me feel like I was invincible. I just wish I wasn't scared of it. It terrifies me to let go so completely.

The bound to happen Breakup.

I could stare at you for hours,

but the light in your eyes would never return.

Wish I could replace your pain with perfect flowers,

but in horror i fight the sadness as I watch you squirm.

Hope washes over me in waves of disbelief,

the sun goes down and the moon comes up,

i just know it won't be enough.

But in my heart ill always hold you high,

you were that one special guy.

i love you, i always will.

but its too soon for my heart to spill.

only a fool would fall,

and I'm only a porcelain doll.

I cant take that risk,

you showed me everything,

but something was missing.

I can't explain, and i know it hurts.

But time will heal all our faults.

I promise to always be around,

to always help you off the ground.

My love will always be for you,

but for now to myself i have to be true.

I must leave this all behind,

for some clear and peaceful piece of mind.

With my eyes closed I'll walk through this door,

and I'll keep walking because we can not give up anymore.

Life is hard and people get hurt all the time,

but we cant just lay on our backs and die.

we have to stiffen up our lips and keep on walking,

because in the end, it was all worth the pain.

all the happiness we once knew, all the love, all the talking.

just because it ended doesn't mean it should be washed away in the rain.

-Amber Womack 8/9/10

I learned to Breathe

The sun rose this morning and peeked in through my delicate eye lids. I awoke to an epiphany. Last night I read "Tuesdays with Morrie" until 1:43am. I realized that I had to work today and eventually I fell asleep. Sitting in bed this morning with the intense urge to just sprint around the house. I realized that the 40 pages I read last night, had changed something for me. Changed the way I viewed the world around me. Its strange but for once I realize what the Buddhists are all working towards. The feeling of being "awake", the spiritual act of finally being awake and seeing things through a wide open spiritual "minds eye"? I'm not exactly sure here, but I feel.....Awake, and for some reason feel the need to connect the feeling to Buddha. I am full of this joy, this overwhelming joy and I'm not exactly sure why. I just know that I am ready to embrace it. Ready to grow up a little bit and stop taking things for granted. I have this warm, glowing, bright light inside of me. It gets brighter by the second and warmer every minute. I can feel it in my head, tweaking with my ideas of life and my philosophies, all that I believe in. I feel it glowing through out my body, changing the way I think about almost everything. This change, it feels like its happening to more than just me. I feel it in air around me. The plates are shifting, the trees are swaying, the air is playing with the clouds, the sun is caressing the fields, the mountains are drinking the snow. I'm not sure, but something big is changing. It could just be me, this new me. If thats true, than I never realized how blind I was to the world and all my own surroundings. This joyous new feeling of delight, of wonder, of amazement, of being so fully awake makes me think back to a song. I know its not the best of songs to be quoting but

"You can't quit until you try

You can't live until you die

You can't learn to tell the truth

Until you learn to lie

You can't breathe until you choke

You gotta laugh when you're the joke

There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful.

Will you swear on your life,

That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don't

I've done things that you won't

There's nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home

I was waiting for my hearse

What came next was so much worse

It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful.

Will you swear on your life,

That no one will cry at my funeral?

Alive...

Just open your eyes

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful.

Will you swear on your life,

That no one will cry at my funeral?"

-SIXX:A.M.-Life is Beautiful-

SO, my friends. In honor of the beautiful, glorious day that it is. I dare you to go outside and take a deep breath. Just take 1 minute out of your day to bask in the sun and just breathe. Just breathe.

Word of the day "Expression"

I've never really known how to express my emotions. I usually go and write about it and sometimes I talk to someone about things. But certain emotions like sadness, anger, hatred, etc; seem to be extremely difficult for me to express. I never really knew what it felt like to be sad. I was always angry, just angry. That's the only emotion I ever really remember that brought me to tears. It got to the point that every time I get really mad, my rage would trigger my tear ducts and I would cry. But today, I cried. And I don't know why. I calmly took everything off my bed and placed it gently on the ground as tear after tear riddled my cheeks. I don't know where the sadness came from. It just hit, like a wave of boiling hot emotion. My brothers sly little words came like a train as my little rusty red Buick of feelings sat without an engine directly ahead on the tracks. It never crossed my mind that he didn't mean to target my insecurities as he rammed right through my wall of defenses. Funny how in the most fragile of moments, the smallest little comment can send your emotions in a whirlwind of inexpressibility. So, today I sat in my bed with the lights off and I cried for no reason at all, with sadness sinking deep into my heart, for no reason at all.