Too late now.

I realize in my half drunken stupor that I am a control freak.

I am a temperamental, foolish girl full of rage.

In order to be happy sometimes, I need to be fully in control and in those moments I am wrong.

Aarron, My boyfriend, has this friend. Her name is Stephanie (he, so fondly, refers to her as Steph.) See, Aarron and I got together about 3 months ago. So, a short 4 months ago, he was completely hung up over this girl and some say that he was "head over heels for that girl". Life's a bitch ain't it. He swears up and down that there are no feelings for her and that I am his one and only and that he likes me too much to be disloyal. Okay, I'll take that. But in the back of my head, I'm thinking "uhm, all right, so if you didn't "like" me so much, you would think about being disloyal.?" Maybe this is because I'm a girl and lets face it, girls are dramatic and they tend to over exaggerate almost everything. But, maybe theres a reason for my insanity. Do you think so because I'm just not sure. "She is just a friend. There are no feelings. She is my ex, she treated me like shit. She's out. You're in and staying." I guess I just wish he was better with his words. He gets invited to her parties and he goes. The last one he went to, I didn't even know he had a party to go to until 12 hours before said party. I'm venting. This is strictly a venting post.

How can you be "just friends" with someone you were so in love with, without feeling something when you're with them. Especially when your current girlfriend isn't there. I don't know, I guess maybe I'm paranoid and protective and controlling. Because he said he didn't know how to help me and make me feel better. My opinion, in all honesty, DONT HANG OUT WITH HER ANYMORE, STOP TEXTING HER WHEN SHES TEXTS YOU, or at least don't text her while you're with me. Don't call her nicknames like Steph. Don't tell me how certain things I do or say remind you of her and how it hurts you. Because that just gives me ground to know that you're not over her completely. If things still sting, its too soon. Maybe it is too soon... Maybe that is the conclusion I should of come to in the beginning. I should of known that you wouldn't be over her. You were in love, She left and broke your heart, You're definitely not over her. There is nothing I can do about it. Nothing at all.

Like I said, Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I am exaggerating. Maybe, Just maybe.. We should have waited. Too late now.

Life is good guys.. Life is pretty good.

"The only difference between a flower and a weed is......Judgement "

Finding this quote is so ironic! My mother has been telling me for a week now that I have finally blossomed into the beautiful flower she always knew I would one day become.

I recently had a new guy come into my life. He is good and sweet and so imperfectly amazing. He smiles and my cheeks heat up right away. He laughs and I smile because of how completely cute his laugh is. His eyes change color, and I honestly find my self staring so deeply into them that I forget whats going on around me and all I see is him. We all know that there is a difference between smart and intelligence. My boyfriend is intelligent and smart all in one. He has common sense and control and respect. He is responsible and goal orientated. He makes me need to do better in school. He makes me want to do better in every aspect of my life. I want to be around him all the time. I want to know his every mood, recognize all his faces, know what every sound in his voice means. I want to know all there is to know about him and I want to be there for him and hold him and make him smile. Heres the kicker guys, I also want him to know all this about me. Thats something I've never wanted before. I have always wanted that element of mystery, that knowledge in my mind that someone will never know everything there is to know about me. I wanted that power, that control. But, with Aarron, things are different. I want him to know all that there is to know. I think he could handle it, I think WE could handle it. There is just something about him. Something that I recognize, something that I see in myself sometimes. He's always himself, and never tries to be anything more or less. He holds me so close and makes me feel special and important. He asks me to go places with him and its nice, you know, to feel that you're wanted. This guy with this amazing personality and an awesome sense of humor has somehow pulled me out of my comfort zone and made me feel comfortable in his. I'm happy with him and happy with who I am around him and with him. He brightens my days and lights up my nights. He calms my fears and smothers my worries. I look forward to all the joy and happiness and excitement. I look forward to the days full of laughter and jokes and smiles. I look forward to seeing him smile and watching him have fun and enjoy life. I look forward to making him as happy as he makes me.

This is something good and pure, something that I will never ever forget. In 3 short weeks something in me has changed and I am irrevocably grateful. This year has been rough, dirty, nasty and disgusting. Things have changed, I have lost family members and pieces of my heart have been permanently crushed, stomped on and shattered. But, I am insanely blessed, for this year has also been one of the best years of my life. We moved to a nice house, I got to know so much about my mother, I have the best of friends around me, I reached goals and made new ones, and I found this guy. This amazing, dorky, smart, handsome, funny as hell, passionate, sentimental, adorable, talented, sincere guy who makes me so entirely happy.

This makes my mother say "Amber, you have become such a woman, a lady, a flower. You have blossomed and opened up to new things. You finally opened your heart and you're letting someone in a little bit. You're my beautifully bloomed flower." I love my mom.

Life is good guys, life is pretty good.

The "Don'ts" of High school

(Please excuse my language in this blog post. It won't happen again, I can assure you!)

-Is it not amazing how quickly word travels in High school?-

-Just because I am OK with kissing my boyfriend after a day of dating, I'm a whore. My least favorite word ever to be said. That is what I am known as, by a number of people. I can not stress how much I honestly don't care what anyone has to say. I don't care what those people think about me. They do not know me at all and they don't know what I do and who I am. So, I don't care. But, my friends, it IS High school and from the pre- to the post pubescent males and females, everyone will talk. Their gossip being their only means of staying connected to the world. They are a community of trash talking, drama breathing, gossip spewing air heads. What ever you do, whether it be the smallest possible thing, EVERYONE will know about it. So, don't you dare step on an ant or get a rock in your shoe. You better not get toothpaste in your hair or dirt on your pants. No kissing you boyfriend in public. OH, and what ever you do, just do not be a girl, at all. Don't smile too much or you will be a freak, but don't frown at all or you will be a depressed emo kid. Just do me a favor and do not ever kiss your boyfriend.

My anger is through the roof, my temperature has sky rocketed to the moon. I hate, with everything in me, the word "whore", especially when it is being directed at me. It is the one and only word that you could say to me and I would hit you right in the face with a closed fist and absolutely no hesitation.

I don't care what they think. They can call me anything they want and give any bullshit example that they want. But, they are ignorant and they will never know me. I am 1000000% happy with the person that I am. I know who I am and what I am not. As long as I know the truth and he knows the truth, all is fine and dandy.

So, let them spit their acid, volatile words. Let them open their garbage mouths and litter the world with trash talk and fallacies. People will talk, no matter what and you have two options. Put it behind you and do your own thing or let it get to you and cause more problems.

I say FUCK THE MASSES.

Because seriously, do they matter to you at all? It is in the human nature to be curious and suspicious and they will continue to run their mouths no matter the effect. So, tune it out and live it up.

Coming to an understanding.

"You will never have a friend if you must have one without faults" -Anonymous

* I read this quote in my AP English class today and immediately after, I got lost in thought. Ms. Cooper kept the lecture up while my mind raced back and forth from thought to picture to memory. I realized all the wrongs I have committed over the years.

Truth be told, I have always been shallow when it comes to people, mainly the ones that I have dated. Things would be great for a month or two, and then I started to pick out the flaws. I think it's because I have never been mature enough to believe that no one is perfect. I always thought "Hey, I'll find the perfect person and fall deeply love with them one day." But, you know what? Our faults and imperfections make us who we are. Being yourself and showing the true you is the only way to ever have a truly meaningful relationship, whether it be with a friend or a significant other. I have realized that what I used to be was completely terrible. I became mean..cold...harsh and even brutal. I found faults and I picked at them until I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't understand why someone had such an imperfection and i didn't like it so I told them and it all blew up. Needless to say, I had about 5 relationships that all ended within 3 months because I could not get over what I found. I thought that their imperfections somehow made them less beautiful. What I failed to realize is that, It is exactly those imperfections that make someone beautiful, handsome, sexy..etc.

So, I sat in class speechless, broken and distraught because I felt absolutely horrible realizing how wrong I was and how badly I acted. That was it for me, I was stuck in my head constantly wondering and thinking and figuring everything out.

Finally, I came to an understanding within myself.

I am ready to let myself be happy. I am ready to stop looking for wrongs and faults and imperfections. I am ready to just let happiness happen. Did you know that EVERYONE has the right to be happy?

So, here we go. I am in a new relationship with this lovely guy, Aarron, and I know that he is not perfect. I accept that because finally I understand it. I'm not perfect, you're not perfect, he is not perfect. NO ONE will ever be able to live up to that word. I honestly accept that now. I understand it and I am completely comfortable with this whole accepting flaws thing.

Upon entering someones life, the "unspoken understanding" is that you must like them for who and what they are. If you can't, then by their side is not where you're meant to be.

-I am not a quitter, I'm a fighter and this is something that I believe in, so I am going to fight for my place in someones life if need be. If someone can love and accept my many flaws,faults,imperfections, which ever you choose to say, then the very least I can do is love and accept them right back. I feel wiser now. Kinder and more gentle. I am more mature and understanding and no longer will I be classified as shallow and misled.

NO ONE is perfect and I like it that way.

You deserve better

Don't you love sitting on the couch, watching Malcolm in the middle, waiting for the phone to buz?

When the phone finally rings and you jump up with so much hope and then you get a little bit sad inside when you realize its your mom, or someone calling for help with homework. Thats when you just want to run. Run to the door, down the street, across the intersection, and through back yards. Run to get away from the disappointment.

You wait all day to hear his voice, and all you get is a text or two that says very little about what you want to know. You wait for the day that he calls and talks to you the way he used to. Tells you how amazing and how stunning you are, and how he dreams of you. How he wishes that in the future it could be just you and him. You hope for the day that he keeps his promise to always be there for you. You still have hope in your heart that you guys are as close as you once were.

But, in the back of your mind you know that he is obviously one of those statistics, one of those guys who is exactly what mama warned you about. You know in your mind that he is not worth your time, because he is definitely only interested in one thing, and its not your heart. You realize that you've been played, and that he continues to play you because some how you have developed and soft spot for him.

Days of hoping, wondering, wishing, thinking, sighing, and maybe a little crying, you finally realize you are so much better off without him. Because if the two of you dated, you would know that he was talking to some other girls the exact same way he used to talk to you. You wake up in the morning with a smile on your face because finally you are free from the confusion, the questions, and the hurt. You open your eyes to the fact that you can do so much better because you have also opened your eyes to the fact that he is not all that.

He really isn't everything you thought he was. In fact, the only reason you were so caught up in him was because of the chase. The sweet, subtle flirtation mixed with the attraction that led to the tension when you guys were together. Suddenly the light bulb goes off in your head and you know that he isn't the only flirtatious guy in the world, and that there are some guys out there that are not just interested in getting in your pants.

Finally, you can go to bed at night and be excited to wake up in the morning because you don't know what the next day holds, all you know is that you won't be stuck waiting for him to call anymore. You will no longer lay all your hopes on seeing him look at you just once. You know you deserve to be treated better and you know you can find a nicer, sexier, funnier, smarter, guy or gal.

Time to stop worrying about him. Get on with your life. Leave him in the dust. He will see what he is missing out on and sooner or later it won't even matter to you. He will still be the same ass hole, stuck in his old ways, praying on the non-confident, sensitive girls with low self-esteem and an intense need to belong.

Love yourself. Worry about yourself. Makes yourself happy. And then you will find someone who is just as amazing as you are. Someone who deserves you. Why? Because you deserve it.

Decisions: Think hard

I wanted to call you and say goodnight,

I thought about telling you I loved you, hoping I could make you feel better. I hoped for a chance to talk to you again, waiting for that day my phone rang and I'd be happy to pick it up.

You're the reason for my sadness. You're problems are my priority because you can't handle them without some help. I tried to make things right, I tried to help as much as I could. But, you took advantage of my good heart and you lied to me over and over again. Fathers are not supposed to lie. They are supposed to be the strong, leaders of the house. Instead I'm forced to spend the rest of my teenage years with the two people I have the least in common with. Dad, you were my light. You were my best friend. My energy. You were my hero and above all, you were always there to hold me while I cried. I've been crying alone lately...Too often may I add. I miss fishing on the boat with you. I miss snorkeling and roller blading and biking and hiking with you. I miss the days when you woke up and decided not to take your medicine. I miss those days when you would dance around the house singing Elvis and banging on pots and pans. I miss when you would wrestle with pongo. I wish we could have those days again. Where you would wake up and watch cartoons. I wish the old days could come back. I wish for so many things, even though I know that this one wish is one never to come true. Because... you made your choice dad... and it wasn't your family.

Boys, Guys, Men? What makes a man?

Here's some real bullshi(z).

My sweet mother has been talking to this apparently equally sweet guy that she dated a while ago right? Well, things were pretty great for her for about a month and then the dude turned sour. He only wanted a friendship. * Cough ...Dick ... cough* Recently, I took it upon myself to send him a message explaining how everyone could be happy in this situation, including his 9 year old daughter. This message was at least 5-6 paragraphs and it was very well written. My mother looked over it and gave the go ahead. I clicked send, and we waited. Days later I receive a message on my facebook account from this guy. He used an entire paragraph to explain to me that

1. He read my message.

2. My mom is sweet.

3. He debated on whether or not to reply.

and big number 4. He decided I deserved a reply.

Uhm... Yeah. That was all it said. I wasted 15 minutes of my day writing this huge letter to this guy to try and make things right for my mother and in return I get a message telling me "I read your message... I replied.." DOUCHE.

Excuse my language please, but wow I am seriously upset about this situation. My mother seems emotionless to whats happening, But I know her well enough to know that it stings more than she lets anyone see.

So..Guys... If you're going to "talk" to a girl and get her hopes up way high... Don't just roll over one morning and decided you don't want a fantastic person in your life. Because, well, thats just plain stupid..

Something about something or other?

Some how

I cry every night,

My eyes get puffy and red,

in the morning I just don't feel right,

I almost feel dead.

Walking through the dark,

I look for something that feels familiar,

something to ignite that spark,

so I don't feel like such a failure.

I left and practically ran into the door,

The look on your face left nothing to the imagination,

It hurt so much to leave, I was left gasping on the floor,

In my heart I knew I owed you a better explanation.

You cried and My heart shattered,

I cry and you don't even know,

i got so cold inside my teeth began to chatter,

I walk away and i feel my love beginning to go.

Nothing I did was right,

nothing I did was good,

I felt my mind and my heart rearing to fight,

but every thing hurts, as it should.

Im horrible inside,

and nothing will change,

because with each passing minute I tell myself never to confide,

to you I probably sound so strange.

I've built up these walls,

and no one can break them down,

even when you think you might, you'll be the one who falls,

I cant even muster up the courage to frown.

though later, when my door is shut,

I cry so much it could fill up an entire pool,

i feel like I'm just getting worse, seriously I feel it in my gut,

I'm walking around, joking about it, looking and acting like such a fool.

This is bad, This is really really bad,

unfortunately I'll never be better than I am now,

and frankly it's quite sad,

I just wish I could grow into a better person, some day, some how.

-AmberWomack 8/25/10

Don't change

Just thought I'd try out something new.

Doesn't really fit who I know I am though.

It's just... life has been getting more difficult by the second and I wanted a break from being me. But, this little game of dress up

didn't help at all.

I feel worse than I did before, because now that I washed my hair and

the sharpie came off... I feel bad about trying to be someone else. I'm sick... Sick and tired of having to go through all this. I seriously hate dragging people

into my problems so this is all I'm going to say.

Love yourself. Love who you are even if others don't. If they are stupid enough to not take you for who you are, then they don't deserve to be in your life.

That up there is not me.

This, below, is who I am. And I say.. Take it or leave it, because I won't change for anyone.

Don't lock it all up inside

Believe me when I say that sometimes holding back, hurts more than just saying what you feel. Tonight, my dad called me and the conversation went from good to horrible, really quickly. He sounded alright, I mean really, he sounded normal. I have to admit, for a few minutes I thought things were finally getting better. Until his stories got a bit sketchy. That's when I started paying better attention to detail. He told me he was smoking a cigarette in his truck at the gas station. Why would he feel the need to lie about where he was and what he was doing, right? A few minutes later, he starts to not make any sense. I ask him "Dad, where are you?" and his reply? "I'm on Earth...Shh. talk quieter" ...Odd right? Yeah, I know what you're thinking "Maybe he is just joking around or something, don't just jump to conclusions Amber." Mmhm. I thought the same thing until i hear "Amber, zap me up. I'm on Earth and I'm not supposed to be. Beam me up! Hurry! but shhh, whisper." At least, that is what I heard through his slightly slurred speech. Instantly I figured he was drunk, so I asked if he was home or if he was driving and his answer was "God Amber, you're just no fun anymore. What the F**K happened to your humor?" Great talk dad. Glad I'm the one who gets to talk to you when you make no sense. I didn't say what I was thinking nor what I was feeling in my gut. Instead I told him I was tired and I had to go. My statement was not taken very well. "OH C'MON, I never see you and your brother and you don't even want to talk to me anymore. What happened to you Amber. Where did your heart go? You just don't care for your old man anymore huh?" "Dad, I'm tired I will talk to you tomorrow, Goodnight. " " No you won't Amber, you know you guys won't talk to me unless I call and pester the phone enough for you to finally get annoyed and pick up." - Now keep in mind, the things I write in here are just the parts of the conversation that I could decipher. Finally i hang up and turn my phone off and try to make sense of what was said. I can't remember why I didn't tell him that I knew he was lying. I just sat there and let him sound like a fool. I don't know why I didn't just tell him how stupid he was being and how his dumb decisions were just making his life worse, and in turn, making my life and my brothers life messier than our fathers. I wish I would of told him just how hurt I was that he called me when he was in such a state. I know I could of, because I usually do say what I think and what I feel, when its other people. (My dad was once my idol. The one person that I thought had it all figured out. The guy I thought ruled the world. "Yeah, thats my papa." Is what I would proudly say to friends that looked up at him in amazement. My dad handled 7ft snakes with ease, he scuba dived and caught lobsters for dinner, he went sky diving and survived, he listened to country music and talked like Donald duck. Yeah guys, thats my dad right there, the guy with the cow boy hat and sun glasses. The same guy who drove me to school every morning and kissed my forehead before I could run to class. My idol folks, the coolest person on the face of the Earth, My papa.) - I can't hurt his feelings by telling him what an idiot I think he is.. Last time I tried that, it back fired and I got called a traitor and he told me that I am just like my mother towards him, "unloving, cruel, and full of hatred." Holding in all my sadness and my rage just burns my skin. I can feel it all bottled up in my heart and it hurts so completely that every few minutes I just burst into tears. Locking up your emotions is one of the worst ways to attempt to fix something. 1. Because It does not fix anything at all. and 2. It hurts more than anything. So, before you close your mouth and just sit there and take the emotional beating, I suggest you think about what to say and then let that person have a piece of your mind. Just a piece, because the truth hurts and people can only take so much pain, until they finally implode.

Human? Astonishment

I broke up with him twice and he still calls me because he feels in his gut that there is something wrong. I'm in tears on the couch, clutching my knees tightly to my chest as I answer the phone and hear his voice so soft in my mind before he even speaks. He called because he felt like there was something wrong with me. I don't know how he does it, but he always knows. Human kindness. Compassion. Unconditional love. I've never felt it so strong in all my 15 years of life. He is hurting more than me and he is dealing with a broken heart. A heart that I broke. Yet he finds the ability to dial my number and take the pain just to try and make me feel better. Completely throwing his own feelings out the door. I was crying, I was shaken up. I had just got off the phone with my dad who doesn't have a job and is very depressed living with people who are not even friends of his. He had been telling me that I should try to get my mom to let him come back home. My mother had just got off the phone with a guy in Ohio that she had/still has feelings for. I know that my parents will never be together again but breaking my dads spirit even more is out of the question for me. It doesn't even register in my head. I said "Dad, I'll talk to her when you get a job." To which he replies "I'm not going to be around much longer Amber." I hang up with my dad and I run into the house and pace a bit. I place myself in the corner near the door and I burst into tears. As soon as I lay on the couch and begin to shake, My phone rings. It's Kevin... I answered without even thinking and instantly the tears get worse. I am now sobbing. He instantly said "I knew it." We talked for 26 minutes and my face was completely clear of any sadness I had before. People never cease to amaze me. He pushed through his pain and his sorrow to try and make me feel somewhat better. His kindness and his compassion along with his strength and his courage makes him one of the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure to be close to. Kevin Maxwell you will forever be in my heart and I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you.

I need to learn to let go

"Like a butterfly, I floated by and now I'm alone.I wish I knew when I'll be back again. So until then I wish you well. My dear Brielle"-

I broke up with my boyfriend on Thursday the 12th. We dated for almost 6 months. I'm not sure how to feel. Honestly I could be a kid with him. We always had fun. But, every one has to grow up sometime. I didn't tell anyone. But, the reason I ended it was because of who I became.. Or who I didn't become.

I had goals for the summer.

I had big plans... Huge.

I wanted to finish something for once instead of just starting and trying my best. But dating Kevin was like a break from life. It was like serenity even during a war. It was calming and compassionate. But, all good things have to end. I didn't do the things I wanted to do. Some of the things I did do, I'm not proud of.

Somewhere during those 5 and a half months, I lost myself. I forgot who I was, and the things that I believed in. I gave up completely to the easy relationship that we had. I took the easy way out. I practically laid there and gave myself up completely to the gentle breeze. There were moments where I doubted the relationship. I even ended it once before. But being that we made each other so happy. I decided.... why not. We got back together despite my rule of dating. "Never date the same person twice, there is a reason it did not work the first time"

Now, as I look back I think I just wanted some affection. He gave that to me without question. I was held on such a high pedestal that nothing I did was wrong. I just wish I knew a better way to find myself.

I went out on a date tonight.. And yes before you say anything, I know it was a bad idea and the wrong thing to do and much much too soon. But, I went anyways. Martin and I saw "Eat Pray Love" and it was one of the most beautiful movies I have ever had the pleasure to see. The only problem was trying to hear the delicate words between loved ones on the screen when Mr. Bored pants sighed every 5 minutes. I mean... he picked the movie so he could at least try to enjoy it. He tried talking throughout the entire movie. I mean, I enjoyed his company. It was kinda fun and sweet. As soon as the movie over I called my mother and I told Martin she was right around the corner. I kissed his cheek and walked swiftly away. Mommy dearest was more than a 10 minute walk away and I ran as soon as I rounded the corner. I ran like I have never ran before. I held my bagtightly to my chest and I bolted through the night. I whizzed past trees, parked cars, pedestrians, closed doors, stop signs, and I ran away from it all. I ran away from my pain and problems. I ran from the pain I've caused and the pain I know I will cause. I ran and the only thing I thought about was the night. With nothing to bring me down. I stopped and it all rushed back to me.

I feel horrible saying this but from the break up and the random date with Martin, I found clarity and I found truth.

The movie helped with this. I found something that I loved more than anything. Something that made me feel like I was invincible. I just wish I wasn't scared of it. It terrifies me to let go so completely.

The bound to happen Breakup.

I could stare at you for hours,

but the light in your eyes would never return.

Wish I could replace your pain with perfect flowers,

but in horror i fight the sadness as I watch you squirm.

Hope washes over me in waves of disbelief,

the sun goes down and the moon comes up,

i just know it won't be enough.

But in my heart ill always hold you high,

you were that one special guy.

i love you, i always will.

but its too soon for my heart to spill.

only a fool would fall,

and I'm only a porcelain doll.

I cant take that risk,

you showed me everything,

but something was missing.

I can't explain, and i know it hurts.

But time will heal all our faults.

I promise to always be around,

to always help you off the ground.

My love will always be for you,

but for now to myself i have to be true.

I must leave this all behind,

for some clear and peaceful piece of mind.

With my eyes closed I'll walk through this door,

and I'll keep walking because we can not give up anymore.

Life is hard and people get hurt all the time,

but we cant just lay on our backs and die.

we have to stiffen up our lips and keep on walking,

because in the end, it was all worth the pain.

all the happiness we once knew, all the love, all the talking.

just because it ended doesn't mean it should be washed away in the rain.

-Amber Womack 8/9/10

I learned to Breathe

The sun rose this morning and peeked in through my delicate eye lids. I awoke to an epiphany. Last night I read "Tuesdays with Morrie" until 1:43am. I realized that I had to work today and eventually I fell asleep. Sitting in bed this morning with the intense urge to just sprint around the house. I realized that the 40 pages I read last night, had changed something for me. Changed the way I viewed the world around me. Its strange but for once I realize what the Buddhists are all working towards. The feeling of being "awake", the spiritual act of finally being awake and seeing things through a wide open spiritual "minds eye"? I'm not exactly sure here, but I feel.....Awake, and for some reason feel the need to connect the feeling to Buddha. I am full of this joy, this overwhelming joy and I'm not exactly sure why. I just know that I am ready to embrace it. Ready to grow up a little bit and stop taking things for granted. I have this warm, glowing, bright light inside of me. It gets brighter by the second and warmer every minute. I can feel it in my head, tweaking with my ideas of life and my philosophies, all that I believe in. I feel it glowing through out my body, changing the way I think about almost everything. This change, it feels like its happening to more than just me. I feel it in air around me. The plates are shifting, the trees are swaying, the air is playing with the clouds, the sun is caressing the fields, the mountains are drinking the snow. I'm not sure, but something big is changing. It could just be me, this new me. If thats true, than I never realized how blind I was to the world and all my own surroundings. This joyous new feeling of delight, of wonder, of amazement, of being so fully awake makes me think back to a song. I know its not the best of songs to be quoting but

"You can't quit until you try

You can't live until you die

You can't learn to tell the truth

Until you learn to lie

You can't breathe until you choke

You gotta laugh when you're the joke

There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful.

Will you swear on your life,

That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don't

I've done things that you won't

There's nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home

I was waiting for my hearse

What came next was so much worse

It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful.

Will you swear on your life,

That no one will cry at my funeral?

Alive...

Just open your eyes

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful.

Will you swear on your life,

That no one will cry at my funeral?"

-SIXX:A.M.-Life is Beautiful-

SO, my friends. In honor of the beautiful, glorious day that it is. I dare you to go outside and take a deep breath. Just take 1 minute out of your day to bask in the sun and just breathe. Just breathe.

Word of the day "Expression"

I've never really known how to express my emotions. I usually go and write about it and sometimes I talk to someone about things. But certain emotions like sadness, anger, hatred, etc; seem to be extremely difficult for me to express. I never really knew what it felt like to be sad. I was always angry, just angry. That's the only emotion I ever really remember that brought me to tears. It got to the point that every time I get really mad, my rage would trigger my tear ducts and I would cry. But today, I cried. And I don't know why. I calmly took everything off my bed and placed it gently on the ground as tear after tear riddled my cheeks. I don't know where the sadness came from. It just hit, like a wave of boiling hot emotion. My brothers sly little words came like a train as my little rusty red Buick of feelings sat without an engine directly ahead on the tracks. It never crossed my mind that he didn't mean to target my insecurities as he rammed right through my wall of defenses. Funny how in the most fragile of moments, the smallest little comment can send your emotions in a whirlwind of inexpressibility. So, today I sat in my bed with the lights off and I cried for no reason at all, with sadness sinking deep into my heart, for no reason at all.

My encounters with the supernatural

Ever get that pang in your heart when you're walking around and you feel as if someone else is there?

You turn around expecting to see a tall man looming over you just behind your heels. Yet all you see is the empty, freshly painted wall that has always been there?

You walk from room to room checking to make sure all the doors and windows are locked, and all the while you feel like someone is following a little too closely behind you.

You turn your back to the shower head to wash out your hair, and you just know that there is someone peeking around the curtain.

?

I've had these feelings since I was little. I've been able to sense things almost all my life. I have dreams, and their meanings predict exactly whats going on. I get these intense feelings where I know something is wrong with someone I know.

Now that there is a bit of history behind the story, I've got to tell you what is happening.

I was sitting on the couch and listening to Tegan and Sara. I felt and heard something large fall off my left arm. I looked everywhere and nearly took apart the entire couch to look some more. Found nothing at all. I get up and get an apple, and saw a shadow on the floor next to me. I turn around, and nothing is there. Making my way across the room I heard, rather then felt, someone walking behind me. I spun around quickly to see nothing but the kitchen table, sitting motionless staring at me as if I were the piece of discolored, out of place wood. After I devour the apple, I walk to the shower and Buffy, my black as night, odd mannered, under developed cat follows me in. Water on and hair soaked, she starts to meow. Louder and longer than ever before. I begin talking to her, hoping to shut her up, but nothing works. I sense a dark figure behind me. It felt somewhat less than good. It was misplaced. It felt as if the presence behind me was just lurking. Following me around like some crazed stalker. Leaving the shower, my heart began to hurt. Even now, laying in bed and telling you this, my heart hurts. It's a constant, deep, kind of pressure on my heart. Panic attack much?

My special epiphany

"You desire to know the art of living, my friend? It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering."-Henri F Amiel
-The art of living. The free style of speech. The beauty in the design. The courage in the day. The appropriate amount of time wasted on days that you have nothing to do.
Everything is nothing without a little mystery. Make beautiful poetry out of the pain you feel. Write an inspiring song from the loss. Write a book of how you go through it. One tiny mistake, one small worry, one spec of doubt, one centimeter of horror and the outcome could be something you never ever imagined. Make the best out of the worst situations. Rise up from the pain and the grief and look at the rubble around that once was your life. Instead of drowning in the pain and the loss. Ride the wave, and bask in the warm sun that pulled you out of the wreckage. Take life in the plam of your hand, grasp it tightly, and live from that day on, knowing that what made you stronger was what broke you. Never regret anything, as much as it hurts. It changed you, made you who you are, and with it, something good always erupts.-Amber

The poem that made them all cry

Daddy who used to be

Sometimes it hurts when I think about the future.

Mostly because I know you won't be there.

You were my best friend. My big teddy bear.

You always told me not to worry,

To cheer up, because the good guy wins at the end of the story.

But lately, I look around.

And all I hear is how you're down.

I close my eyes and fight the frown.

But deep inside I already know who wins this fight.

It's never the good guy anymore.

I hold back the thoughts, so the words won't pour.

I see the number before the phone even rings,

I think about answering, but my hand starts to sting.

Clicking ignore hurts more than talking to you.

But, the lies have become too much for me to handle,

I feel like i'm starting to unglue,

I start to shake and realize I have nothing to hold onto.

You left and took my spirit away,

You changed and broke my heart,

you called again today,

I might just take my phone apart.

The tears I've cried would fill an entire bath,

is it too much to ask for you to follow the right path.?

You're older than me, and yet I tell you how to live your life,

I wish things were different and my days weren't filled with strife.

But, every night the phone rings,

And I have no choice but to answer it.

Even though I wish I didn't give a shit,

you're my father, and it kills me more and more,

every minute to know that youre never going to be,

who you used to be.

The daddy who used to love me.

-AmberWomack 7.14.10